Obama Persuades Corn Pone Bigot, Reverend Jones, Not To Burn Koran

Posted: 09/10/2010 by Lynn Dartez in 2011

By William Kevin Stoos  Friday, September 10, 2010

STOOS VIEWS EXCLUSIVE
-Satire

In a dramatic turn of events, Hugh Betcha, Head of the Religious Affairs Bureau of the Stoos Views Media Conglomerate, located in beautiful downtown Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, and people vote red—a man who walks with kings and princes and recognized as the “Most Trusted Name in News, 2010” by MSNBC, CNN and FOX News, brokered a deal between red-neck, corn pone bigot, Reverend Terry Jones of Florida and red-diaper baby/President of the United States, Barack Obama.

Asked by his friend Obama to intervene in the crisis caused by Reverend Jones, whose planned burning of the Koran promised to inflame religious hatred around the world, needlessly endanger the lives of American troops, and accomplish nothing but gain him fifteen minutes of fame, Hugh flew to Florida under cover of darkness on Air Force One to mediate an end to the crisis.

After hours of hard bargaining, arm twisting, cajoling, and appeals to their “better angels,” Hugh was able to broker a deal that will avert a major international crisis and calm fears of renewed religious violence and distrust between Christians and Muslims.

Employing his renowned ability to change hearts and minds, it seems that Hugh accomplished more than he expected by this visit, and obtained concessions that were, in his words, “startling.”

Speaking remotely from a satellite phone outside Jones’ church, Hugh told Stoos Views, “It was an amazing meeting and hearts were changed. I simply appealed to the good Reverend’s sense of Christian charity and he reluctantly conceded that Christ taught us to love our neighbors. He admitted he had forgotten that passage in the Bible. He also admitted that he would be incensed if Muslims were to stage a Bible burning. I think the ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ thing was the straw that broke the camel’s back. At that point I think he relented. He was practically in tears.

Asked what else was discussed with the Reverend, Hugh added, “I asked him frankly, what was the greatest threat to the country right now—creeping socialism fostered by an administration that has done more to redistribute wealth, concentrate power in the hands of the federal government, spend like a drunken sailor, and tax its citizens than any in history—or the theoretical threat of another Islamist attack on America? He thought about it long and hard, and I must admit my friend Barack winced a little when I asked the question. Reluctantly, Reverend Jones conceded it was the former.”

Asked what the President contributed to the discussion, he replied: “The President was anxious to avert a crisis, and offered a compromise. I think he was desperate to broker a deal. So he offered to donate some books to Reverend Jones for an alternate fire.”

What was the deal? Hugh was pressed by the interviewer.

“Reverend Jones has agreed not to burn the Koran, thank God. He is going to burn 10,000 copies of Dreams from My Father, instead.”

Author

William Kevin Stoos  Bio
William Kevin Stoos Most recent columns

Copyright © 2010 William Kevin Stoos
William Kevin Stoos (aka Hugh Betcha) is a writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in the Liguorian, Carmelite Digest, Catholic Digest, Catholic Medical Association Ethics Journal, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Social Justice Review, Wall Street Journal Online and other secular and religious publications.  He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status. His book, The Woodcarver (And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was released in July of 2009. It can be purchased though many internet booksellers including Amazon, Tower, Barnes and Noble and others. Royalties from his writings go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.

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